


White Love

by btselca



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, jookyun - Freeform, monsta x - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-11-28 06:15:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11411955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/btselca/pseuds/btselca
Summary: Changkyun isn't being himself lately, and the members start to wonder why.





	1. I Was Very Lonely Actually

Changkyun left during the middle of dinner. He muttered something about the bathroom, and that he would be right back. The other members were sitting around the table in their dorm. They were all tired after twelve hours of dance practice in the Starship studio. Monsta X’s next comeback was nearing, which meant that the practices got longer, the sleeps were shorter, and the stress was at an all-time high.

Shownu nodded at Changkyun, and the members listened as the maknae’s footsteps lead down the hallway to the bathroom. They had been eating in silence; they were too tired from their rough practice to converse as they ate the dinner that Kihyun prepared. Hyungwon glanced over at Changkyun’s plate after he heard the bathroom door slam. 

“He didn’t eat anything?” Hyungwon observed, the statement coming out as more of a question. The sudden noise in the otherwise quiet room caused the other members to look at Hyungwon.

Kihyun furrowed his brow as he also stared at the plate that was left untouched on the table. “Why isn’t he eating?” He wondered aloud, “Is he sick?” Kihyun turned and looked at the other members accusingly. "Is my cooking that gross?”

“No! It’s good,” Minhyuk assured as he took another bite. Kihyun looked at Wonho, who nodded in agreement.

Kihyun shrugged. After the short conversation, the six were back to eating in silence around the table. A few minutes later, Changkyun returned and sat down in his place in between Shownu and Jooheon. The youngest picked up his chopsticks, and after pushing his rice around for a bit, he looked up and noticed his hyungs all looking at him. He set down his chopsticks and pushed his plate to the middle of the table. 

“I’m not hungry.” His voice came out softly, “Someone else can have my food.” Changkyun stood up and went to his room that he shared with Jooheon and Minhyuk. 

The bewildered members sat staring down the hallway that their maknae had just disappeared down. Jooheon stood up, grabbed the plate, and went down the hallway after Changkyun. All the lights were off when he opened the door, and he saw the silhouette of his dongsaeng in his bunk with his duvet over him. Jooheon flicked on the light switch. He set the plate on their dresser and climbed halfway up the ladder leading to Changkyun’s bunk.

“What’s up, Changkyunnie?” He asked. “You haven’t eaten since breakfast. You can’t starve yourself. It’s bad for your health.”

When Changkyun lifted his head from underneath his duvet, Jooheon saw tears streaming down his face. The older climbed up the ladder and lay next to Changkyun with their faces inches apart. Jooheon wiped away a tear from the younger’s face. 

“What’s going on?” Jooheon whispered gently. “You’ve been acting like this for a while, but it’s never been this bad.”

Changkyun shook his head in response as more tears came out of his eyes. “I don’t know,” he whispered back. 

“You don’t know? Why are you crying then?”

“I don’t know,” the younger repeated. He put his head against Jooheon’s chest as his body shook from sobs. Jooheon put his arm around Changkyun’s head, pulling him closer. 

“There’s something wrong for you to be crying like this, Changkyun-ah. Do you want to tell me?” Jooheon rubbed the younger’s back.

“No,” the muffled voice responded.

“Can I guess, and you tell me yes or no?” Jooheon didn’t wait for a response. “Did you get injured at practice?”

“No.”

“Did someone say something mean to you?”

“No.”

“Are you worried about something?”

“No.”

Jooheon sighed, becoming frustrated with himself for not knowing what else to ask. “Whatever it is, you can tell me when you’re ready. Will you please come back out to the table and eat with me? I haven’t finished eating either. You have to eat,” He whispered as he ran his hand through Changkyun’s black locks. The younger nodded.

Back at the table, the other members were sitting there, whispering about Changkyun and Jooheon’s sudden disappearance. Their hushed voices stopped as they heard the pair walk down the hallway. Jooheon arrived first and put the plate that he had taken with him on the table for his dongsaeng. 

When Minhyuk noticed that their maknae had been crying, he shot a worried glance at Shownu. Normally, Changkyun was reserved with his emotions, so this was concerning. He decided to leave it alone for now, hoping that the problem would go away. 

 

After some arguments, Wonho got in the shower first. He smiled victoriously as he closed the door behind him. Showering earlier meant more time to sleep before they would have to get up in a few hours to practice again. He got in the shower and turned the water on before realizing that his shampoo wasn’t there. Wonho sighed, thinking that one of his members must have taken it and put it with their things. He quickly got out of the shower and opened the drawers in their cabinet in search of his shampoo. 

When he opened Changkyun’s drawer, his mouth fell open and he took a step back. Inside was a towel soaked in blood next to a shaving razor that had been dismantled with the blade lying next to the remnants. Wonho slowly closed the drawer. He found his shampoo in Hyungwon’s drawer, and quickly finished his shower. He left the bathroom and went over to Shownu, who was sitting on the couch by himself, half asleep.

“Hyung, I have to talk to you,” Wonho murmured, startling the leader. 

Shownu rubbed his eyes sleepily. His face was swollen from sleepiness. “What’s up?” 

“It’s about Changkyun-ah.” Wonho motioned for Shownu to follow him, where he took his leader inside the bathroom, closed the door behind them, and showed him the contents of Changkyun’s drawer.

“Shit,” said Shownu was he took in the horrific scene. “Did he…?” He trailed off, not wanting to say it.

Wonho sat down on the floor and put his head between his knees. “I can’t look at that anymore, hyung. Please close it.”

Shownu did as Wonho asked. “Please go to our room and go to sleep. I will talk to Changkyun,” the leader said. 

Wonho went into his shared room while Shownu went into Jooheon, Changkyun, and Minhyuk’s room. He noticed that Changkyun was asleep on his bunk. Jooheon and Minhyuk were both lying on their bunks playing on their phones while they were waiting for their turn in the shower. 

“Shower’s open Minhyuk-ah,” Shownu said, “Your turn.” He leaned against the doorframe to let Minhyuk by. After Minhyuk grabbed his clothes and went into the bathroom, Shownu made eye contact with Jooheon.

“Ya, can you come out here for a second?”

Jooheon nodded in agreement, eyes narrowing through his confusion. Once out of the room, Shownu took Jooheon to the couch and sat down. “Did Changkyun tell you why he was upset earlier? I’m really worried about him,” the older expressed.

“He said he didn’t know why he was upset, but I think he will tell me when he’s ready to,” Jooheon responded. A concerned look grew on his face when Shownu didn’t answer after a few seconds. “Hyung? What’s going on?”

Shownu sighed and put his hand on Jooheon’s back. “Changkyun is hurt.”

“What? How? Should I go-“ Jooheon stood up to go get his dongsaeng, but Shownu held his arm. 

“He hurt himself. In the bathroom. While we were eating dinner.”

Jooheon sat back down. His eyes transformed into narrow slits as he furrowed his brow. “What?”

“Wonho found uh…things in Changkyun’s drawer in the bathroom. His shaving razor was ripped apart. There was a bloody towel in there too. And…” Shownu ran a hand through his hair. “It looked like fresh blood.”

Jooheon’s mouth was agape. He stood up and went into his room, where he climbed up onto Changkyun’s bunk. Changkyun awoke from the movement on his mattress. He opened his eyes to see Jooheon lying next to him. 

“Where?” Jooheon whispered. Changkyun’s eyes were wide when he noticed his hyung in his bed. 

“Where what?”

Jooheon grabbed Changkyun’s sleeves on his loose hoodie and pushed them up. There were no cuts on his wrists. “Where did you hurt yourself, Changkyunnie? Show me.”

Changkyun looked at the elder’s hands on his wrists before making eye contact with Jooheon with a shocked look on his face. 

“I don’t know what you’re-“

“You have stuff in your bathroom drawer, right? Please don’t lie to me.”

The maknae’s eyes began filling with tears. He rolled onto his back and lifted up his shirt, where his stomach and hips were littered with fresh wounds. Changkyun covered his face with his arm. 

Jooheon said nothing and stared at the harrowing scene before him. The maknae uncovered his face to look at his hyung after a few seconds of silence. “Please don’t tell the others.” 

It was then that Shownu, who was standing in the doorway, cleared his throat. The pair on the bed turned to look at him. “Wonho and I know, actually…” Shownu breathed.

“This is fucking great,” Changkyun muttered through tears. He pulled his shirt down. 

“I’m going to ask manager hyung if we can go into practice a bit later tomorrow so that we can talk about this, Changkyun-ah,” Shownu said. The maknae didn’t respond. He just stared at the ceiling as tears poured out of his eyes. 

“Shower then rest. Goodnight,” the leader said before shutting the door. Jooheon and Changkyun were left by themselves. They laid in silence for five minutes before Jooheon turned to Changkyun and looked the younger in the eyes.

“Why did you do that?” Jooheon asked slowly. He was hoping that his voice wouldn’t reveal his pain.

Suddenly, Minhyuk burst into the room, freshly showered. “Your turn maknae!!” he exclaimed. He noticed his roommates on the top bunk, one of them with tears in his eyes.

“Everything okay?” Minhyuk asked, pausing before he got to his bed.

“Yeah. Just fine,” Changkyun replied. The maknae sat up and wiped his eyes. He climbed down from his bunk, grabbed his clothes, and rushed to the bathroom. Jooheon was left on the bunk. He looked down and noticed blood stains on Changkyun’s duvet where the blood had soaked through his shirt. He tried to keep his expression normal for Minhyuk’s sake.

“Jooheon?” Minhyuk asked, “everything okay?”

Jooheon nodded and went to his own bed, where he played on his phone until Changkyun came back and crawled into bed. Jooheon grabbed his things, showered, and when he came back, the other two in his room were asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this is bad. I'm not happy with this chapter at all, but I hope that somebody enjoys it. I haven't written fanfiction in awhile, but I thought I would give jookyun a shot considering that there isn't much out there. My characterization is shitty, and for that, I'm very sorry.


	2. I Was in a Lot of Pain

Changkyun had to get away from Jooheon as quickly as he possibly could, and Minhyuk gave him that perfect opportunity when he burst into the room and told the maknae that it was his turn to shower. He climbed down from his bunk, gathered his pajamas, and padded down the hallway and shut the door behind him, making sure that it was locked. Changkyun assessed himself in the mirror. His eyes were swollen from crying and sunken into his skull from lack of sleep. His hair was greasy from sweating through practice, and his skin was dry. Changkyun took off his shirt and slid off his sweatpants along with his underwear. He avoided looking at himself in the mirror. He didn’t want to see the damage that he caused, hidden under all of his oversized hoodies that he’d been wearing almost every day for months. The hot water stung his open wounds. Changkyun thought about how he deserved the pain. The water going down the drain turned red. He closed his eyes and imagined shrinking smaller, smaller, until there was nothing left of him.

 

The next morning, when Changkyun woke up, he found that his roommates weren’t in their beds. He sighed, realizing that this meant that the other members had gone to practice, and that he would actually have to talk to Shownu about what happened the previous night. He entered the kitchen, where he found the leader, still in his pajamas, with his head down on the kitchen table, snoring away. Changkyun had to stop the corners of his mouth from curving upwards. Leave it to Shownu to fall asleep while waiting to have a so-called serious conversation with the maknae.

“Shownu hyung,” Changkyun said as he shook the elder awake. Shownu awoke and looked around as if he had no idea where he was at. He glanced up at his dongsaeng stood before him, realizing what he was there for.

“Sorry Changkyun-ah. I got a little tired waiting for you to get up. Can you sit down for a second?” Shownu mumbled as pushed out the chair next to him. Changkyun sat down across from his hyung and folded his hands, staring at his thumbs. He was afraid to make eye contact.

“I don’t know what to say, honestly…I’m not good at this type of thing,” Shownu began. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Are you…?” the leader trailed off for a few seconds. “Did I do something, as a leader, to hurt you?”

Changkyun refused to move his eyes from his hands. “No, hyung,” he responded. His voice was barely above a whisper. He didn’t ever plan on discussing this with anyone, especially not the leader of the group that he had worked so hard to be a part of. He just wanted things to go on normally. He wanted to pretend that Wonho never opened his drawer. He wanted to pretend that he wasn’t harboring a secret that ate away at him every day and every night. 

“You can tell me anything. I won’t tell the others, if that’s what you’re worried about. I just want to know what’s going on,” Shownu stated.

Changkyun swallowed the lump in his throat, and he imagined swallowing down the words that he so desperately wanted to tell someone. “Nothing is going on, hyung.”

Shownu just stared instead of responding. He was at a loss for words. He was used to leading the others, not having heart-to-heart discussions with them. Certainly, he thought, Kihyun or Wonho would be better at this. The silence in the room was so palpable that Shownu thought he could cut it with a knife. Then he grimaced at his thought, which was poorly worded, given the situation.

Changkyun lifted his eyes from his thumbs long enough to see that his leader had a genuine worried expression in his eyes. He all of a sudden felt bad for swallowing his secret down. 

“You won’t tell the other members?” the maknae asked cautiously. 

Shownu nodded solemnly in response. 

“I realized…” Changkyun closed his mouth, thinking about how to say something that was so loaded, so heavily weighing on his heart. “I have feelings for someone.”

More silence filled the room. Shownu didn’t know what to make of that. 

“Jooheon hyung,” Changkyun spit the words out that he had been holding in for so long. He lowered his head so that his hyung couldn’t see how ashamed, how mortified he was. “I realized that I have feelings for Jooheon hyung,” he repeated, a little bit louder this time.

“You…oh,” Shownu said, piecing together what he’d just been told. That’s when he noticed that Changkyun’s head had dropped onto the table in shame. Shownu, although still in shock, stood up and pulled the maknae towards him for a hug. “It’s okay.” He ruffled Changkyun’s hair. “It’s okay,” he repeated. 

Changkyun felt a huge weight lift off of his shoulders as soon as Shownu said those words. He had been terrified that he would be ridiculed, or even kicked out of the group. Then he quickly realized that the words were a lie, and that Shownu had said them for lack of anything better to say. It wasn’t okay. Being gay was not okay to Changkyun by any means. It meant that he was disgusting, unnatural, and that he was a sinner. The manager hyungs would never think ‘it’s okay’ that a member of the label’s most popular group was a homosexual, and that he had feelings for one of the other members. 

“I’m sorry to ask, Changkyun-ah,” Shownu said, cutting off Changkyun’s thoughts, “but I need to see the cuts to make sure that you don’t do it anymore. I managed to give manager hyung an excuse for us to go to practice late for today, but if you keep…doing that, things will be bad. You cannot do your best when you’re injured like this, and your mental health is at stake too. And I’m not sure what the manager hyungs will do if they find out that you’ve been actively…hurting yourself.”

“Y-you want to see?” 

“I have to. I need to see what it looks like now so I’ll know if you do it again. If you do, then I’ll have to tell someone so that you can get some help. Do you understand, Kyunnie? This is your chance to stop by your own will, without the public knowing about it. If you have to go into treatment, then it won’t be this easy.”

The younger nodded and hesitantly lifted up his shirt a bit so that the leader could see his hips, which were covered in pink scars and fresher red cuts. 

“Please show me all of it. I know that there’s more than that. I saw more last night.”

Changkyun lifted up his shirt to reveal the same pink scars and fresh wounds that covered his stomach as well. He felt tears welling up in his as his leader just took in the sight of all the damage that had been done. Shownu, who was known for keeping a neutral expression, was trying not to give a reaction to the sight of the terrifying amount of scars on the maknae’s body.

“How long have you been doing this?” the leader questioned. 

Changkyun let his shirt drop, covering up the mess he had made. “A few months,” he replied, once again dropping his head in shame.

“Thank you for showing me and trusting me. Your razor blade has been thrown out. Please don’t do it again,” Shownu stated calmly. Of course he made it sound like the easiest thing in the world. 

“Please don’t-“ the maknae began, finding his voice.

“I won’t tell the others, Changkyun-ah. Your secret is safe with me. You know we love you, yeah?” Shownu asked. He once again rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “We don’t mind if you’re…If you have an interest in men.”

Changkyun’s ears turned bright red at the words that came out of his leader’s mouth. He was embarrassed. He wanted to go back in time and take back telling Shownu his secret. “Jooheon hyung can’t know, hyung. He’ll never look at me the same way. The same goes for the other hyungs. ” 

Shownu shook his head as if the thought was ridiculous. “Well I’m not going to tell them, so they’re only going to find out if you tell them.” Shownu raised his eyebrows. “Which I think that you should tell them, by the way.”

“They would never accept me. “

“Ya, I don’t want you to say that. We love you a lot, Kyun. Nothing can change that,” Shownu stated. He looked at the clock on the wall. “We have to get ready for practice. Can you practice while you have those cuts?”

“I’ve done it many times before,” Changkyun muttered quietly. 

The leader looked blankly at the maknae before pulling him in for a hug.

“You won’t have to do it anymore,” Shownu told his dongsaeng. 

Changkyun nodded after he was released from the hug. He managed a (fake) lopsided smile and went to his room to prepare for practice. He already wasn’t the best dancer, and now he was going to be behind the other members, including Shownu, who was a natural-born dancer. He was disappointed in himself, to say at the least. Changkyun thought about what the leader had said about not having to practice with fresh cuts anymore, and he wasn’t positive that Shownu was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that this was better than the last chapter kdmskfmsd


	3. When I Dream, I Think of You

Practice that day passed by without too many issues, except for the occasional concerned glance from the other members. The others, Hyungwon, Kihyun, and Minhyuk, who hadn’t been let in on what was going on, were especially aware of the tension that seemed to radiate from Changkyun. 

Kihyun couldn’t help but feeling a little frustrated when they all sat down to take a break and noticed Shownu sit across from Changkyun on the floor, and as he sipped his water bottle, he kept staring at the youngest member. 

“Does someone want to tell me what’s going on?” Kihyun questioned, hardly masking the bitterness in his voice. In his mind, they were a family, and if they wanted to get along smoothly, they wouldn’t keep secrets from each other. Not that Kihyun would admit it, but being left out also made him sad.

Changkyun felt his pulse increase with anxiety. He remained silent and stared down at the floor. Changkyun was hoping that someone else would answer so that he wouldn’t have to. When he glanced up, he noticed that Kihyun had asked the question while staring directly at the youngest member.

Finally, it was Wonho who spoke up. “I don’t think that we should talk about this now. We need to focus on practice.”

“Actually, I want to know what’s going on, too,” Hyungwon muttered.

Wonho looked as Shownu as if he had no idea what to say.

“See? It’s not fair to keep secrets from us,” Kihyun complained. 

Shownu stared blankly at Changkyun. “Kyun?”

The maknae looked up from the floor. 

“Do you want to tell them?”

Changkyun sighed and stood up. The other members except for Jooheon all followed his movements with their eyes. Jooheon remained staring at the floor. The youngest lifted up his hoodie quickly.

“Changkyun—” Wonho gasped.

He dropped his hoodie back down just as quickly as he had lifted it up. 

“Now that you all know what’s going on, can we get back to practicing?” Changkyun asked. The last thing that he wanted was to be the center of attention and make the others worried about him. 

Jooheon was the only one who stood up to get back to practice. The youngest member was extremely grateful for the other rapper at this moment for being the only one to act like everything was normal when it clearly wasn’t. 

Shownu was the next member to get up. “Come on. We have to practice. We have a comeback soon,” he stated. Hyungwon, Kihyun, and Wonho obeyed Shownu’s command. Minhyuk remained sitting, looking up at the others with a bewildered expression. 

“Minhyuk-ah,” the leader called. “we have to practice now.” 

Changkyun stood awkwardly in the middle of the studio with Jooheon at his side, watching the scene unfold. Minhyuk still sat unmoving, staring straight at him. 

“Is this a joke?” Minhyuk asked, a concerned look on his face.

Shownu sighed and checked the time on his phone. It was already 10 PM. “It’s not a joke. We’re going to practice for two more hours and then we can go home, and you can ask him about it if he’s willing to talk, alright?” 

 

Minhyuk reluctantly stood up, and the practice continued for two more hours without any incident. They didn’t know what else to do other than pretend that nothing was strange about what had just happened. 

Back at the dorm, Minhyuk corned Changkyun in their room as soon as they were alone. 

“Are you okay?” Minhyuk asked as he sat down on his bed and patted the space next to him, motioning for Changkyun to sit next to him. The younger member plopped down next to Minhyuk and shrugged. 

“I’m dealing with it,” Changkyun responded as he stretched his arms out in front of him, tired from the practice. “Really, hyung. I’ve already spoken about it with Shownu hyung this morning.”

Minhyuk took the hint, understanding that Changkyun didn’t want to talk about it anymore. 

“Well,” the older put his arm around the maknae and pulled him close with a smile, which was typical of Minhyuk, “if you want to talk about anything, I’m here.” Minhyuk then pretended to give Changkyun a kiss on the cheek as the younger squirmed. Minhyuk released him. “Really though, talk to me about it if you want to.”

Changkyun placed nervously his hands in his lap. He decided that if he was going to tell any of the others first, that Minhyuk would be the easiest. “Hyung, do you think-“

He was cut off by Jooheon coming into the room, his hair dripping from his shower. This always seemed to happen to Changkyun. 

Changkyun stood up from Minhyuk’s bunk. “Never mind,” he muttered.

Minhyuk eyed Changkyun, but was only met with an awkward look from Jooheon across from him. Instead of pressing the issue, Minhyuk decided to get up and go shower. Jooheon dried his hair with his towel with one hand while he scrolled through his phone with the other. Changkyun sat down on his bed.

“You okay?” Jooheon questioned without looking up from his phone, looking at something on it as if he was deep in thought.

Changkyun said nothing and instead found himself just staring at Jooheon with his soft skin and bare face, hair tousled and messy from the towel and his lips soft and pink. He felt a sadness well up in his chest, but suppressed the urge that he had to spill his guts to Jooheon about everything. 

At the silence, Jooheon tossed his phone onto the bed next to him and tried again. “You okay, Kyun?” he repeated as he looked at his dongsaeng. He wanted to reach out and pull Changkyun into his chest and hold him until he was sure that he was okay, but he was also afraid that Changkyun might break into pieces if he touched him. 

Instead of saying all the things that Changkyun wished that he could say, he said “Could you ever hate me?”

That was certainly not what Jooheon had been expecting, and the question was met with a bewildered look. “Why would I ever hate you, Changkyun? I couldn’t—I wouldn’t…” he trailed off. “If you think that I could hate you because of those” he rambled as he nodded his head towards the scars and cuts hidden underneath Changkyun’s hoodie, “I wouldn’t,” He finished. “How could you even think that? You’re my best friend.” He knocked his knee gently against Changkyun’s.

At the mention of the words ‘best friend,’ Changkyun found himself forcing a bitter smile. Before he could stop himself, he muttered, “You might not think that if you knew anything about me.”

“Knew anything about you?” Jooheon repeated slowly. “Do you think that I don’t know anything about you?" He paused, waiting for an answer, but was instead met with silence. "I’ve only been living with you for two years, but sure, I don’t know anything about you, Changkyun.”

Changkyun lowered his head into the palms of his hands dejectedly. “That’s not what I meant, hyung,” he breathed out.

“Then what did you mean?”

“Nothing,” Changkyun responded immediately. He stood up and went to walk away, but he was stopped by Jooheon grabbing his forearm. 

“Are you just going to keep shutting me out, Changkyun? What did I do?” Jooheon asked as he reached out desperately for the maknae and pulled him in an attempt to get him to sit back down.

Changkyun said nothing and just stared at Jooheon and found himself getting lost in his soft eyes and eventually looking at Jooheon’s lips. Changkyun thought about how he’d never seen a person so beautiful in his entire life.

“Nothing,” he repeated again. As much as he didn’t want to, Changkyun pulled his eyes away from Jooheon along with his arm and climbed into his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. I've been getting ready for my first year of college, so things have been pretty stressful. The next chapter will be up soon!


	4. My Heart Wants to Keep Seeing You

After Changkyun got into his bed, he decided right then that he would push Jooheon away. Not because Jooheon had done anything wrong, actually, it was quite the opposite, but because Changkyun thought that the idea of never having Jooheon would hurt less if they weren’t as close anymore. He knew this was a bad idea; he didn’t want to hurt Jooheon, but he was tired of feeling like his heart was going to break every time that the older showed skinship or playfully called him “baby.”

Changkyun decided to push Jooheon away, so he did. He didn’t sit next to him in the car, at meals, and he avoided every chance to spend time alone with Jooheon. Changkyun responded nicely when his hyung spoke to him, did what he asked, and respected him, but there was no more playful banter between them. No more cuddling on long car rides. No more long nights in the studio of them practicing their raps and ordering takeout and drinking tea together. 

The more time that Changkyun spent avoiding Jooheon, the more that his heart felt like it was breaking. Being away from his confidant, his trustee, and his best friend hurt more than anything else. So after a few weeks of avoiding Jooheon, Changkyun found himself alone in his studio late at night, staring blankly at his desktop screen, willing himself to find the words to express his emotions. He couldn’t. He kicked his desk in frustration. 

Changkyun knew what he wanted to relieve the pain, but he couldn’t. Shownu had been periodically awkwardly asking to see the scars, which had healed up nicely since the last time he cut. The leader had seemed relieved that the issue wasn’t going any farther, so how could Changkyun possibly let everyone down just because he couldn’t handle his emotions? Because he couldn’t really accept the fact that he wasn’t straight? He rubbed his temples and willed himself to think of anything else. Changkyun remembered the pencil sharpener in his desk drawer, and then he wondered if Shownu would notice a few tiny cuts.

“No,” he said aloud. “You’re not doing that.”

“Doing what?” came a voice from behind him.

Changkyun nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound. He quickly turned around to find Jooheon standing behind him. 

“Hyung,” Changkyun breathed, clutching his chest in shock, “You scared me. What are you doing here? I didn’t hear you come in”

Jooheon gave a small smile. “You left the door open, and I could ask you the same thing. What are you doing here so late?” He leaned down to look at the lyrics that Changkyun had written on his computer. “What’re you working on?” 

“Nothing,” Changkyun rapidly responded as he closed out of the document. “Just, you know, some lyrics. Nothing really.” He swiveled his desk chair around to face Jooheon. “Sorry to make you come get me…I…uh…guess we can go home now.”

Jooheon just stood looking blankly at Changkyun. “Okay,” he murmured quietly. 

Changkyun turned off his monitor and stood up, putting on his coat. He walked to the door and went to turn the lights off, only to find that Jooheon was still standing unmoving in the middle of the room.

“Hyung?”

“Changkyun,” Jooheon asked, his voice quiet yet calm, “Shownu hyung told me.”

Changkyun just stared at Jooheon. He felt his pulse increase.

“He told you?” Changkyun repeated slowly. “Told you what?”

“That I should give you space. When you started ignoring me, I begged him to tell me what he knows. Because it hurt. It really fucking hurt, Changkyun,” Jooheon said, now plopping himself down in the desk chair. Changkyun still stood frozen like a statue.

Jooheon continued. “He told me that I should stay away from you, because he thinks that maybe I’m the one who hurt you. The one who made you hurt yourself. So I didn’t reach out even though I’ve been missing you every day and hating myself because he’s probably right, you know? You seem better now that you’ve been ignoring me. Which is really great, that you’re better. I just wish that you didn’t have to push me away to be better. And I- “

“Jooheon,” Changkyun said firmly, interrupting his hyung’s tangent. “No. No. You didn’t do anything to hurt me.”

The older of the two stared at the younger, knitting his eyebrows together. “If I didn’t do anything, then why the hell have you been ignoring me all this time? Pretending like I don’t exist?”

This is what Changkyun was afraid of. He had played out this exact conversation in his head a million times in the past couple of weeks every time he imagined telling Jooheon how he felt. But now that it was in front of him, he couldn’t seem to find the words that he needed to say, so the only thing that came out of his mouth was “I’m sorry.”

Jooheon was at a loss for words. He was in shock that ‘I’m sorry’ is the only thing he gets in return for pouring his heart out to Changkyun, and what the younger didn’t know is that Jooheon was in as much pain as him.

“Okay,” Jooheon eventually replied. He stood up, presumably meaning that he was done with the conversation. Changkyun felt a huge sadness well up in his chest again, and this time, it leaked from his eyes. He turned away and wiped his eyes. The maknae felt a pair of arms wrap around him from behind, pulling him close. Jooheon rested his head on Changkyun’s shoulder. He said nothing as Changkyun sniffled as more tears ran down his face.

“I love you,” Changkyun murmured. 

“I lo- “

“No. I mean, I really actually love you. I love you,” Changkyun sobbed out now.

Jooheon remained quiet, only holding the younger’s back against his chest. “I know,” he whispered soothingly after a while. He planted a kiss on Changkyun’s shoulder, then turned the younger around to face him. Changkyun held his eyes closed. Tears spilled down his cheeks and dropped to the floor. 

“I know,” Jooheon repeated in the same soothing manner. He pulled Changkyun close once more, this time holding the younger’s head against his shoulder.

“You don’t know,” the muffled reply came.

“Changkyun,” the older stated. “Look at me please.” 

The maknae lifted his head and looked into Jooheon’s soft eyes. The older wiped away a tear that fell from Changkyun’s eye.

“I do know,” he said softly. Jooheon brought his hand to the side of Changkyun’s face. “I have known.”

“You don’t know anything.” 

Jooheon just smiled gently and rubbed his thumb on Changkyun’s cheek. 

“You’re so stupid, Changkyun,” Jooheon breathed. He leaned in and pressed his lips to Changkyun’s, pushing him up against the wall of the studio. The younger was shocked at first, but quickly wallowed in the warmth and softness of Jooheon’s lips against his, and then he broke out into a smile. 

When Jooheon pulled away, he looked at Changkyun, whose face was a juxtaposition between the tears in his eyes and the smile on his lips. 

“Do you believe that I know now?” Jooheon asked as he placed his hands on the wall behind Changkyun.

Changkyun smiled brightly, his eyes lighting up. “Only if you kiss me again,” he said shyly.

And Jooheon did, this time slower and more passionately. He slid his tongue into the younger’s mouth. His fingers were weaved through Changkyun’s black hair, and Changkyun’s hands were on the back of Jooheon’s neck. Eventually, the kiss broke, and Jooheon took Changkyun’s hand, just as he had several other times, but this time, it felt different. It felt more meaningful for both of them. 

“We better get home,” Jooheon stated, pulling the maknae behind him as he shut off the lights and dragged him into the hallway. “Shownu hyung might freak out if we don’t get back soon.”

The two walked back to the dorm hand in hand, the street lights illuminating the smiles that were on their faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note: This story is not meant to romanticize mental illness, depression, or self harm. These are serious things that can threaten someone's life and wellbeing and impact everyone around them, just as the other members were affected negatively by Changkyun's self-harming in the story. I did not want to make the fact that Changkyun self-harms in the fic the main focus of the story anymore, because it would be wrong to use it as a story line. Changkyun only progressed through support from Shownu and also from his own strength, not from Jooheon's love. 
> 
> I feel that it is also important to emphasize that I'm in no way saying that Changkyun or any member of Monsta X actually self-harms or struggles with a mental disorder, and if they do, then that is a very private thing.
> 
> If you're struggling with self-harm or any mental health issue, I encourage you to seek help and support from others. 
> 
> I hope that the next chapter will be up soon, but I think we only have a few left before this story is over!

**Author's Note:**

> The title of each chapter comes from "White Love."


End file.
